Greetings one and all.
Anyone who has lived more that 15 minutes in the mid-atlantic region of the United States has visited Hershey Park. This chocolate paradise is nestled in the middle of what used to be rural Pennsylvania and is home to the original Hershey chocolate factory (one can only assume the manufacturing operations were outsourced to china decades ago). For those of you who may or may not be from the midwest (tangent: Open Office feels that “atlantic” and “midwest” should be capitalized: agree or disagree?) Hershey park is a theme park, which more or less means that you pay $50 to get in, wait in lines for 9 hours, and then spend an additional $30 on food and $30 on random crap that breaks the minute you leave the park. Cynicism aside, I actually love theme parks, and Hershey is no exception. This trip was especially nice because I didn't have to pay for admission or lunch due to some large corporation footing the bill for me and my posse that day.
Out of all the theme parks I have visited, Hershey is particularly interesting. During the great depression the town was one of the few places a factory worker could live and make a decent living, with access to public pools, quality education, nice housing and of course, all the chocolate one could want. All of this was possible because of the great philanthropist: Milton S. Hershey. The theme park came later in what I can only assume was yet another philanthropic attempt to stimulate to local economy and add jobs to the area. However, Hershey today is much more than a home to several roller coasters and a water park, it is a sociological dream. Anyone visiting the United States for the first time that wants to gain a brief, yet comprehensive immersion into our great (stagnant) society should look no further than this wonderful park. From the mullet sporting redneck to the confused Asian family trying to enter the park an hour before it closes, this place has it all. Whats more, it seems that in no other place will the classes so willingly mingle. It is truly a gorgeous thing to see a military family (I could tell because they were all wearing the same “navy” t-shit) sharing the same line with individuals of middle-eastern descent; or to see a confederate flag bandanna donned on top of a man who graciously allowed a stereotypical loud African American teenager to cut in line so that he could ride with his family. It truly brought a tear to my eye. Of course, being in PA (see: the new New Jersey) the demographic DOES tend to skew somewhat towards the “redneck white trash” (for lack of a better term) side of the spectrum. But knowing this, one can easily normalize the population when making observations. This observation about the local color projecting itself onto any sort of overall population image is apparent more in one “park rule” than it is anywhere else: the swimsuit policy.
Actually the swimsuit policy has nothing to do with rednecks, I just didn't have a good transition for this part of the story . Hershey park has a new rule concerning where you may and may not wear a bathing suit in the park. You MAY wear a bathing suit in the water park, you MAY not wear a bathing suit anywhere else. Sure, this seems to make sense when you read it at first, but imagine leaving a water park on a hot day. You will want to walk around for a bit before once again donning your street regalia, lest you dampen your “non-bathing suit” clothing. Instead of being able to enjoy the sun, large signs rudely inform you that you are entering a “non-bathing suit area” and that you must reapply shirts and shorts or be shot. Of course, anyone who has met me can probably tell where I am going with this. Upon seeing the signs I immediately deemed the rule arbitrary and without merit and proceeded to walk around the swim suit-restricted areas sans shirt. After about 20 minutes of walking and tanning I was verbally accosted by a security guard whose dental status reminded me of your average Blacksburg “towney.” The guard informed me that I must put on a shirt or I would be removed from the park. Without any options, I began the process of removing the shirt from my bag, but I was not going down without a fight. I inquired about the purpose of the rule, and was informed that it was to maintain a “family friendly atmosphere” in the park, to which I replied, very proud of myself that she responded exactly as I thought she would, “so I guess the water park is not family friendly then?” Visibly annoyed at my impudence she informed me that the water park was in fact, family friendly, which allowed me to point out, that by extension an entire park full of bathing suit wearing individuals must also be family friendly. At this point she resorted to the “I am just a pawn in the rich mans game” fallacy and informed me that she didn't make the rules, just enforced them. With a polite smile, I pretended that I was happy with that response and walked away, shirt on.
The rest of the day was fine and conflict free. During the peak hours however (I was there from open until close) the park became almost intolerably infested with children, and the families of children. This only reminded me why I will never waste a second of my life on these little sexually transmitted diseases. The little assholes were running around recklessly, with parents chasing three feet behind, yelling futiley to “stop or else.” Everyone who was not running after a three year old was visibly annoyed at the fact that it was impossible to walk without nearly stepping on children, running into children or hearing the high pitched whining of children. They had even taken over the bathrooms. It took me all day to find a bathroom that was not swarming with under developed humans so that I could poop in peace. I suppose that is the price I pay for going to a “family friendly” amusement park, but I just couldn't help but think, as I looked out at the masses of families, how much of a nicer place it would be if they didn't allow anyone under the age of 14 in.
Aside from the children and swimsuit policy enforcement, I had a great time with Kristen and some of her friends.
I would like to end by commenting on the fact that Frank is a complete asshole. In 18 or 19 years of being my friend I have not once been able to convince him to get high with me. You see, he is a pillow biting Nancy and refuses to smoke anything...even pot...not even once, ignoring the fact that numerous studies have shown that there is little risk of contracting lung cancer or many of the other deadly respiratory illnesses associated with tobacco*. Yet he has no qualms about drinking to the point of passing out several nights a week. Of course, his lungs will be pristine when he goes in to have his liver replaced, which is obviously very important. Anyway, this week frank was in Amsterdam and visited a coffee shop where he engaged in the eating of the brownies for the first time without me. Well frank, I hope you are happy, we are no longer friends. Good day sir!
*
http://www.webmd.com/news/20000508/marijuana-unlikely-to-cause-cancer
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/05/25/AR2006052501729_pf.html
http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2006/05/24/marijuana_cancer_risk_played_down/
no linky goodness for you.
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4 comments:
Seriously well done. That was hilarious. I think one of my favorite lines was the "confused Asian family trying to enter the park an hour before it closes." Great image.
Hershey park is my favorite theme park in the world. It's too bad to hear about the new shirt policy. I've seen this go down before and the results aren't pretty. They have already taken the first step of confining shirtless people to one area of the park. Next, that area of the park will be forced to close down earlier than the rest of the park. As if that isn't humiliating enough, they will then force shirtless people to wear a special badge on their bare torso. Once the shirtless intolerance reaches an all-time high, they will corral all of the shirtless people into one of those pavilion areas and build a barbed wire fence around the new "camp." I learned all about this at some museum in Berlin over the weekend.
Ahhhh this is why I love the free speech blog.
I don't really think it's the health effects that Frank is afraid of. He is simply turned off by the act of smoking something, every bit as much as you are turned off by the idea of injecting something. I still don't understand why you won't do heroin with me.
I did crack. It was great.
Ok maybe not. But the space cake wasnt THAT great.
But Dan we may not be friends anymore... but you still want my cawkkkkkkkkkk.
hey dan this is not your dad, but jeff's. the lawn mower is ready to be picked up at lowes. i will call them tomorow morning (monday the 25th) and tell them that you will be picking it up, so be sure to take id with you. thanks.
you running a business for lawns eh?
update your blog more often... thanks
and i got a new business idea.. it involves college towns and food
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